So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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