I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
