tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
