I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
