I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
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She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
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AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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