why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Randomize
