Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
