If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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