sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
