so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
