So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
