Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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