i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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