She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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