I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
just tell him i said nine months
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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