Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
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