the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
