A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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