What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
