god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
