Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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