There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
