Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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