You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
