I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
