all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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