um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
