Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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