you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize