her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
