I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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