I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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