fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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