i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
