I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
