Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Everyone says I win the strip club
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
