I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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