He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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