ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
