just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
