I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
