Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
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