Your dad touched me again.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
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