She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
