last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I FOUND THE LEGS
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
