Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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