he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
You made out with two different species that night
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
