I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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