Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
