He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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