The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
