I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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