Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
