Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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