I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
