the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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